Under Pressure

Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the streets

When I'm up late, I keep wondering to myself, am I going stagnant?

Is there something strange that I've missed about being an adult? And I know that a part of this is because of the permanent hold that's been placed on parenthood for seven going on eight years into marriage, and to me that's unnatural and there's a part of me that doesn't understand how to live day-to-day. Just doing chores and organizing on my own time - especially cause I'm by myself so much. There's a beauty and symmetry and cycle of everyday habits that I'm working on, but it's not quite enough. I need more.

So I made a couple decisions in the beginning of 2018, I'm going to change a lot about how I eat this year (not all at once exactly, but definitely in bigger, more drastic ways than I have in the past. I'm not as scared of the diet monster now, I just want to regulate, not starve.)

I'm also going to change a little bit more about what I do for hobbies, and I'm going to add some things to my life. One of the things I'm thinking about adding is boxing.

I've never boxed before, I don't really know anyone who boxes competitively, I know a couple people that used to box, or think boxing a bag is a pretty fun activity (or at least they once did and now they have a bag of their house.) The idea of boxing as a full body workout appeals to me. It's totally different than dancing and yet oddly the same in many ways - the form, the discipline, the physical communication. It hearkens back to the wrestling days of high school but without weight classes.

I'm really interested in giving it a shot and there's actually a pretty awesome place near my house. It doesn't have a lot of adult students but the website makes it sound really welcoming to adult women, despite the fact that it's mostly young adults, teens, and kids. I'll be happy to hang out with some younger people at this time in my life to make me feel young. 

But then there's the real reason. I'd really like to work out some of the anger that doesn't have anywhere to come out in my kind-of-normal adult life. It seems like I shouldn't have any anger anymore. Mostly I suspect it's just still there from years ago and it's never had anywhere to go or any reason to come out (well, I mean other than every election in recent memory both locally and abroad...) I mean, things have happened to make me deeply, unsuitably, irrationally roiling with anger over the past few years. But I've worked really hard at not deflecting those things to people. I mean it's kind of hard to punch NSF fees and Student Loan debt and human traffickers and addictive product creators (like who was it that made Pringles chips completely irresistible and who figured out the secret to keeping you binge watching TV shows) and everyone who uses the phrase "swimsuit body" non-ironically.

But even without my excellent bottling skills, these days most of the time I'm not a very angry person anymore - at least not like I thought I was when I was in high school and in wrestling. But there's enough anger in me and enough reasons to be angry in the world that I think that I need a place to put it, and so far I haven't really had any great places here in Edmonton. So that's one of the things I want to try. See if I can re-light a fire of sport under myself and jumpstart my feelings to get rid of the winter blues.

The other day a photo came across my screen, a before and after photo of a girl's face which went from puffy to beautiful after losing 40 pounds. I'd kind of like some angles in my face. And to fit in airline seats again - heck to fit properly in my own office chair again. I feel... lumbery. I don't like it one bit.

With all the issues I've been having with chronic low back and hip pain lately, everything hurts whether I did nothing all day or walked for miles. Might as well be active if everything is going to hurt anyway. 

I think nearly every day about my spring promise to myself to buy a new bike. The Liv Flourish. Oh it's going to be amazing. I also find their current hashtag, #thingswecarry to be totally hilarious in light of all the extra fat cells I'm carrying around. I wouldn't mind carrying a bit less.

I'd like to learn a couple more new skills in the next few years, one of which is learning how to sew. I feel like it's a great thing to be able to fix stuff, it's one of the things that I think would make it more interesting and more easy for me to find clothes at thrift stores and maybe re-purpose some things for myself and find more of a personal fashion. I have a lot of changes that I am thinking about - I've been picking up penpals, I've been looking at different ways to spend my time (especially for the large section of the year where I don't have quite as much to do.) I want to delve more deeply into the spiritual life and work on some major personal growth issues...

The problem is I haven't had a lot of motivation to do that because I haven't had a lot of motivation to do anything and frankly, it's because I'm not active enough and my diet is kind of bad right now... So everything I just said I was going to try should fix that and then the rest will just follow.

And that's kind of my plan for 2018. Not I would call What a resolution per se but I do think that it's important to make those life changes to get yourself somewhere that you really want to go. I guess when I do my big year-in-review I'll be able to follow up on how that worked for me. I could even interview my future self like that guy famously did.

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand
As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down

It's tea season and I've been drinking a lot of tea lately. In January I had a water-only challenge that included tea. No pop or wine or milk or cocktails or mocktails or juice and I'm listing all of those because I noticed. It was by far the hardest monthly fast I've tried, a difficult challenge for both Paul and I. You know the thing about becoming an adult is that life becomes extremely monotonous sometimes. It's not that it's not interesting anymore, it's just that all of those ingrained habits that you needed to form are either habits I had formed already but wrong, or things I just never had time to think about. But in the slow time of year I have been learning as many small things as I could. I have learned how to make jasmine tea - I have a special kettle now which allows me to cook at specific temperatures. So I am boil the water to exactly 160°F because apparently Jasmine tea is really fussy about how warm the water is and if it's really hot it will go all disgusting and bitter on you... So once I have 160°F water - under that boiling point, then I steep the tea for exactly two minutes and twenty seconds and the tea turns out PERFECTLY. This brought to you by relentless Googling on the topic pursuant to trial and error resulting in the same disgusting and bitter flavour. So I've finally got it down to a science.

Now in addition to my perfect morning tea of Higgins and Burke Earl Grey with cream and stevia, my perfect peppy afternoon tea of dried berries and rosehip with a heavy bass colour and flavour which I finally refound by smell at Cally's Teas on Whyte after being without it for years, my perfect after-dinner dessert tea of naturally sweet Stash Licorice Spice, I have a perfect evening tea in Dragon Jasmine. There's about ten other teas that should really go on the Perfect Time list - like Alpine Punch - the perfect tea for casual TV watching; Chai Lattes for Starbucks with a friend, London Fogs for artsy coffee shops when you have work to do on the computer; Bengal Spice, the perfect tea for reading an adventure novel; Creamy Earl Grey, the perfect tea for Skype with a friend on lighthearted topics; and sweet and spicy  apple cider, for when the world feels cold and unfeeling... Peppermint tea as an iced tea for when you need the tea to be even colder than cold on those warm summer days.


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