Keeping My Distance

I'm hardly movin' on
The proof in is in the song
Remembering how  
I used to feel alive
I used to want to
I used to be alright
I used to love you

I kind of abandoned blogging this year. I feel like there are so many other outlets for ideas in my life. 

The truth is, a lot of what I want to communicate scares me. My beliefs on a thousand topics have changed so severely that writing here now feels almost out of context. Like if you switched novels halfway through — put down one book and picked up another where the plot is kind of similar but the main character is different. Sometimes it feels that way.

The other reason is that a lot of things I want to talk about are incredibly, extremely unpopular. Facebook these days is a powder keg of people's irascible opinion flaunting, followed by irritable defensiveness and attacks on those who do not share your views.

As a person who has considered themselves, at their core, a businesswoman for the last decade, my honest reaction is that this sort of thing is bad for business.

Not to mention that I have never felt more hated for anything in my life than since I've become Catholic. It's not that I didn't have a lot of the same views before, though to be honest I have changed a lot of my views to less and less popular ones the more I've grown in my faith, but it's that I feel that society has labelled my stances on nearly every issue as fear and hatred and unfair limitation and brooks no objections to that objectionable label.

I would write my beliefs here, but I'm honestly just not ready. Maybe one day I will be. And if you personally want me to share them, I will. But for the majority of my friends and loved ones, a lot of my views — well reasoned though they are — would be horrifying. 

So I stay silent on a lot of the issues that are facing the world when I'm not with people who believe as I believe, because my ideas are not just different, they're profoundly unwelcome. 

This makes me want to write less, honestly. Because the things happening in my heart and mind feel dangerous. 

The muzzle is more comfortable than the stick.

I feel like I need an anonymous blog to write in, but the whole point of blogging was, for me, a sharing. Instead of talking about my ideas and beliefs, the core of who I am, here on LJ I basically just share about what's happening... except... what's happening to me is much more about my heart and mind than my day to day now.

So I kind of feel stuck. 

In the meantime, I feel like a record of my life is probably a good idea, so I'm going to go back and try and keep one. And I'm going to go on adding some records from time to time.

And I'll keep the muzzle on until I'm ready for the fight.

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