I have friends

I love myself today

I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm gonna be okay, uh huh

I love myself today, not like yesterday

Take another look at me now

On Monday I had the great pleasure of having several hours of conversation with my dear friend Janta online - and reminding her that in less than 6 months, we’ll have been friends for 10 years. So much changed, so much has stayed the same.

We had a guest most of this week who brought his dog Jack, who was so obsessed with fetch he’d do it forever and with the highest of energy. It was a treat to have them.

The other day I found a big clearance sale at Rexall drug store (think Walgreens or Shoppers Drug Mart if you’re not in Alberta) and they had some very long strings of outdoor lights on for $7 each, so I picked up two and took some time with the two dogs in the treehouse stringing them up. That evening, after it had rained but was no longer raining, I asked Paul to come out with Murphy and I and test out the perfectly soft white light that made the space glow. What a great find. With that, there’s only a few more small treehouse adjustments I’d like to make - I’d like to get a couple of thick/cheap ruined yoga mats to make the floor a bit softer and more grippy… Maybe those foam puzzle pieces or something…

A few days later, a fantastic deal came up on Kijiji to buy a hammock stand, and after splintering a rotting old fence trying to set one up in our yard earlier (which thankfully entertained our landlords as opposed to angering them), I’m super excited to have one to enjoy for the rest of the summer and beyond - I’m actually thinking that if I set it up corner-to-corner across our second spare room/library/Paul’s office when we move our things out of there, it will end up being a cozy blanketed winter space as well for reading and relaxing.

Last night I went out to The Tea Girl with my friend Erin. We talked about all kinds of things,  and I was honored to confirm that in one way or another I will be a part of her wedding next year.  since I've met her fiance and her parents and her brother is a friend of mine as well, I have to say, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Confetti, I'm ready; I need it every night

Red velvet, vanilla, chocolate in my life

I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

On my way home I was sitting in my nice car listening to Google Play Music, and singing Cake By The Ocean while taking a way home that flaunted my knowledge of Edmonton streets and denied the sanctity of my GPS (something I’ve been challenging myself to do lately, driving without a map in my home city) and I suddenly had a thought, unbidden: “I like myself.” If this has ever happened to me before, I can’t really recall it clearly, but I was thinking of myself through the eyes of some of my closest girlfriends, and every eye sees me with such value and joy that even my old perfectionist instincts have to bow down and say, “She’s good enough, it’s fine.” Not only that, but there’s all sorts of parts of myself I really do love. It may offend some of my more religious friends, but one of the things I like about myself is feeling a lot more free to swear than I used to, when I feel emphatic. It’s not like it creeps into everyday language, but like everyone I have my stubbed toes and incredible days, and sometimes nothing works except that most British of F-words. Feeling free to say it (or in this case, sing it) makes me feel more authentically myself to be free to say it for myself.

I’ve been fighting to come out of a state of “grey rock” where I severely limit my personality out of fear of retribution. I am beginning to work on allowing myself to have all the feelings, not just feelings I should have. My various therapists would be pleased.

I am exercising a lot of courage lately. From fears of being burnt by the oven that were imprinted so long ago as to be completely unuseful at this point, to challenging myself to not slow down at residential intersections where I have right of way despite that accident I had way back in 2009, to putting in a huge proposal with a pretty big company this morning, and then immediately hearing back that the owner wasn’t a fan of the idea I built the whole proposal on. Oh well, if they don’t like it then it wouldn’t be a good plan to work with them anyway.

This week the biggest thing that happened was that I had two important phone meetings on Tuesday, and both of them resulted in extremely short term deadlines for the two huge projects that have pretty significant results, one involving that proposal, another involving some video scripting for time management videos. Not to mention the new sessions I’ve been booking, and editing still to be done.

Call it torture, call it University

No! Arts and crafts is all I need

I'll take calligraphy and then I'll make a fake degree

Yesterday morning I was so tired that I got up and did a bit of work, but I was so wiped that I messaged Paul that I was headed back to bed and spent about 2 hours napping. It’s a good thing too, because while I was procrastinating typing this blog post I had pages left to write on the big proposal I sent in this morning. Kind of reminds me of college to be honest. Not a bad thing either, because in a lot of ways, college was a big part of my life.

It feels a little like coming to a new era this month. So much waffling in what I wanted to do with my life over the past two years, but I think I’m back to a place of feeling more secure again.