newsong (newsong) wrote,

Losing Adoption

There's something else I've been all but silent about.

I don't talk about it much. You might have noticed, if you'd been reading or listening to me.

But losing the dream of adopting children has been difficult.

It went a little something like this. We moved into a home with two bedrooms for kids, and then, the first time we called in to make an appointment, the pre-screening went sour. The rules changed in Alberta for public adoption right around that time - you had to certify that you were okay with the kids having FASD. It was one of the initial things we'd decided we weren't okay with. We felt we could deal with kids who had been abused and families that came up for adoption, and that was the risk we were willing to take. We talked it through and made peace with the descision, even though it meant giving up the whole dream for now. We can't afford private adoption, and because of abortion there are so few children available here to love. So while someday in the mythical future, I'd still love to adopt, it's not happening for some time.

I grieved, heavily, and the grief was compounded by the fact that I was also grieving for the loss of my crutch, the eating disorder. I grieved empty, with no standby to deal with it. It's also contributed to my silence about personal things over the past year or so. 2015 was a hard year and I don't think you could pay me enough to relive it.

Some people have assumed that we were unable to naturally have children, but that's a complicated question. We had other issues with that part of our life that we're only just now starting to deal with. We were broken and we're only just now starting to heal. So we could say that we've started trying to have a baby, and it's not wrong. We have a driving desire to have children, family. But the road could be a lot longer than we planned. And we already planned a long road after we figured out that things weren't going that well. I'm not going to talk much about it on a public blog, but I'm happy to share our journey with anyone who asks about it. We've had some great breakthroughs this year. I'm hoping we can continue to build.

To think, when we got married we wanted to have kids in year two. I didn't know it was going to be more like half a decade later we'd be starting to try and figure it out.

Tags: #binge eating disorder, adoption, grieving, sex

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