Robot of Meloncholy

Losing Adoption

There's something else I've been all but silent about.

I don't talk about it much. You might have noticed, if you'd been reading or listening to me.

But losing the dream of adopting children has been difficult.

It went a little something like this. We moved into a home with two bedrooms for kids, and then, the first time we called in to make an appointment, the pre-screening went sour. The rules changed in Alberta for public adoption right around that time - you had to certify that you were okay with the kids having FASD. It was one of the initial things we'd decided we weren't okay with. We felt we could deal with kids who had been abused and families that came up for adoption, and that was the risk we were willing to take. We talked it through and made peace with the descision, even though it meant giving up the whole dream for now. We can't afford private adoption, and because of abortion there are so few children available here to love. So while someday in the mythical future, I'd still love to adopt, it's not happening for some time.

I grieved, heavily, and the grief was compounded by the fact that I was also grieving for the loss of my crutch, the eating disorder. I grieved empty, with no standby to deal with it. It's also contributed to my silence about personal things over the past year or so. 2015 was a hard year and I don't think you could pay me enough to relive it.

Some people have assumed that we were unable to naturally have children, but that's a complicated question. We had other issues with that part of our life that we're only just now starting to deal with. We were broken and we're only just now starting to heal. So we could say that we've started trying to have a baby, and it's not wrong. We have a driving desire to have children, family. But the road could be a lot longer than we planned. And we already planned a long road after we figured out that things weren't going that well. I'm not going to talk much about it on a public blog, but I'm happy to share our journey with anyone who asks about it. We've had some great breakthroughs this year. I'm hoping we can continue to build.

To think, when we got married we wanted to have kids in year two. I didn't know it was going to be more like half a decade later we'd be starting to try and figure it out.

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Oh love.

First off, I'm sorry. I've been there, you know? When we found out I couldn't have more kids, and we so desperately wanted Toby to have a sibling...

Nate's sister has FASD. (She's an adopted sibling; technically she's his cousin... it's a weird situation. His mom and dad adopted her and her 16 year old brother when Nate was 10. I believe Monique was 2 at the time. Her mom was Nate's dad's adopted sister, and she died, and Nate's dad took the kids in. It's a whole THING.) Anyway. It's very, very clear that Monique is... different. And it's very, very sad. She's 24 now and has two kids and she's trying and it's clear that she's trying but she's just never going to be where she should be, you know? And watching her, yeah. I don't want kids who've been put through that.

But the other thing is that my uncle and his wife have adopted several kids. The first was a little boy they got when he was 4. He came from an abusive home. When this boy was 12, he started abusing (sexually) a toddler girl they had adopted. They tried to get him help but he turned violent and ... bad. And so they ended up having to send him to a home for troubled teens, and dissolved the adoption. (I personally can't handle that last part but that's what they did. I just... what?!) This boy is now 19 and has turned his entire life around. He's serving a mission for my church right now. And my aunt and uncle still speak with him and stuff, they're just not his parents.

so I've seen lots of adoption things. and I think ultimately that was why we decided not to adopt. That and my own personal issues, which were being the adopted child in a family with natural children is not a fun experience and I didn't want to put Toby through that or the adopted child through that.

But it's so hard. And it's sad. And it's okay to grieve. I don't know how to help. I don't even know why I just told you all my drama. Sorry. But I've been there. And I'm here for you. Please hang in there. I love you and I think you are wonderful and you are SO STRONG. I still haven't found a healthy outlet - I went from binge eating to cutting to binging and purging to taking too many meds and now I'm trying to get off the meds (it's hard because I am legitimately in severe pain, but I was overmedicating and I know it). Anyway. Hang in there.
Hey. I read this when you originally wrote it, but I didn't have any words. I read it again tonight, while I started to look at writing my annual Year in Review post.

Adoption is always complicated, and sometimes human beings can be nearly beyond repair - not beyond love, but I think you do need to be called to it. I still feel that call to adoption, and I am certain I will see it fulfilled some day, perhaps we'll only end up "adopting" - you know, inviting one of our kid's friends into our home because their family disowned them or some such thing. We long to make our home a safe place.

Thank you for sharing with me, and never feel like you have to apologize. We've got shit to figure out in this life, and it will take all of life to even start to touch ourselves. Wait, that came out wrong, lol.