time, driving, stopgo, confused

More Time Than You Think

We all want to seem like
We've got it all figured out
But let me be the first to say
that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't gonna pretend like I do
Just tryin' to find my way
the best that I know how

I ended up pulling an all-nighter last night to work on some client projects that were running late. I had been doing a great job of planning for getting taken out by sickness or vacation for a week or so at a time, but that did not prepare me for what would happen after nearly an entire month of inaction that didn't rejuvenate me. I was dreadfully sick for most of December. I had colds, insomnia, an awful period (sorry, TMI, but it is germane) and then I went home for Christmas. Basically, knock out about 3 solid weeks of my December, much of which was sequential. This is a low workload time of year for me and I was still totally unprepared for what life was going to look like after so much lost time that had few rejuvenating properties even though I saw friends and family.

Consequently, I am behind in a dozen areas from where I envisioned myself. But let's be real - how much of this is me holding myself to an impossible standard? Quite a bit, fortunately. And I say fortunately because now that I'm aware, I am empowered to completely change my plans for how to move forward.

I am trying to structure my HabitRPG incentives to reward me more for incremental progress than for binge-working. For instance, if I scan a single document, I get 10 points, and if I scan more than one I get 20 points, even if I ended up scanning ten. Because the point is not having a pileup. The same with all kinds of other chores. It's a short term experiment that's gone beyond my wildest imagination, and I can't wait to see where it gets me a year from now.

Today is the semi-official holiday called
National Ditch New Year's Resolutions Day. I am in. Because while I never had a resolution list, I went into the new year with an unreasonable plan for my workload over the next several months, and I am ditching it like the filthy, overbearing, slave-driving idea it was. Back to the step by step. Back to the visioning process. What do I want my life to look like?

I am entertaining a radical thought - what if I have more time than I think I do? I am actually pretty certain I do, and there's far reaching effects to knowing that and making the changes you need to make.

All the philosophy aside, I've barely slept in days so I'm going to start trying to gear down a bit here. I had some great business conversations in the last few days with people who have experience and are willing to be on my team for getting Last Resort off the ground, but great business conversations wind me up, and it's time to wind down.

For the time being, at least, it's time to gear back, focus on some basic photography work and then take the rest of my time for me, to engage myself in the habits of a happy home and lifestyle and take the sabbatical that I deserve.

The immediate issues are mainly sleep related. Paul and I are trying some new things for insomnia, but the biggest thing is really screen time and the fact that the only light I see is from screen time because we live in a basement. My body is perpetually confused by daylight. I blink and frown at it. It's not really my ideal life. We're trying to dose ourselves with Vitamin D3 and use the computer like a blue screen in the mornings and turn down the brightness steeply at night - which of course I can only do if I'm not editing. Thankfully there's not TOO much editing over the next while, and all the contracts I'm taking have 24-48 hour turnaround... So I think I can make it possible for myself to relax a little more.

  • Current Location: The Place In Between
  • Current Mood: Human, after all
  • Current Music: Lifehouse - Trying