flying paper

The Slump

Nothing on earth is beautiful without you
Even the stars would die if you asked them to
I often struggle between the romance of life and the hard realities, and the persistent feeling that my life revolves around money is a frustrating part of my day-to-day. Getting to the point where the financial bleed has become clotted has been a long road, but we're actually getting there. Unfortunately this has not been a good financial year for Admire Studios, and starting a new business is not the cheapest endeavor. Neither of course is moving and setting up house, but in the end I feel like I have made reasonable progress towards sustainable lifestyle change.
I wish that I could stay forever this young

Not afraid to close my eyes

Life's a game made for everyone

And love is the prize

I've come to a new point in my long journey towards sustainable and healthy practices, and I'm hoping to implement more meal planning, portion control, mindfulness, and ambiance to help with the food side of the equation. Some of the changes I plan to make include designating certain days of the week for portion controlled eating, transitioning to eating as it's own activity and not while doing other things, and controlling the household containers and such.
The biggest idea is to figure out how to make the best use of my laziness. I'm a huge proponent of the idea that all traits are a double sided coin, and laziness is no exception. If there is something that I shouldn't be doing and I make it inconvenient, the chances that I will do it go down substantially. It's been difficult to do this for eating without a full overhaul on dishes and learning a lot more about portion control, but I think I am healthy enough mentally to begin work on these areas.
The second big area, of course, is activity, and I have decided after some time working with a personal trainer that while I don't hate the gym, I don't think it's likely that I'll develop a long term habit of going, either. I've decided to start a swimming habit instead, which feels more personally realistic I think, long term. I'm thinking about investing in a FitBit, since I know that general step-counters have been motivational to me in the past, and tracking my activities is a good way to help make incremental change. Seeing it incrementally is much easier that way.
I can’t decide which way to go

All the signs say the same thing

Desires they can be controlled

It might cost you everything
After a long lack of posts, an overview of the directions I've been pointing is in order, and that's the beginning in some ways, but the middle in others. The truth is that since moving into an essentially windowless basement and with the turmoil of moving, I've found myself struggling with depression - which in this case is affecting me most with what I call "hermitting." I've been avoiding people for the most part, and so has Paul. I've been falling into old internet habits, finding my conversation on Reddit and Facebook and struggling with the combination of boredom and exhaustion that depression brings. I had actually been taking a lower dose of antidepressants to try and make them last, but that proved to be a poor option, and I have gone back to the recommended dosage, with an accompanying surge in feeling like myself, though still feeling a bit hermit-y. In the end, it will take time to adjust to the permanent move, and it really has only been a few months. Creating new habits and making life changes during such a huge change is understandably a difficult enterprise.
Giving myself grace about these things is a process that has been difficult, but extremely rewarding. It's important that I continue on that journey.
I finished the Last Resort website, was featured in the Edmonton Examiner, and am soon to be featured in the newsletter for the Canada Photo Convention. I have had some positive responses from some people I had in mind for advocates, but seeing as photographers don't get a breath for another month yet, I'm not expecting anything to blow up right away. Plenty of work to do yet on the course materials, as well.

A few months ago I actually met a girl through a corporate shoot who became a friend of mine. Originally from Oklahoma, with a fun personal style and a lot in common with me, we really hit it off during our extended portrait session, and I'm excited to continue our friendship and hopefully partnership with the promotion of Last Resort as well. It was a truly lovely confluence of events.
We have had a number of car adventures lately, the first being when Paul's vehicle ran out of transmission fluid, and the second being this morning when my battery ran dead. Conveniently, our landlord is a car person and both of these events were short blips on the radar, though they certainly seemed rather important at the time.
And I have to speculate

That God himself did make

Us into corresponding shapes

Like puzzle pieces from the clay
Switching gears in so many areas reminds me of the sound poor Paul's car made when it ran out of transmission fluid. Life often needs a lubricant of some kind, really, whether it be entertainment, conversation, therapy, or some kind of body-altering substance. Caffeine being the most common, of course. Mornings and Evenings require the most, getting going and winding down. It hasn't been smooth.So I do something I have been doing for years. I ask myself questions. First, it used to be just one question, but the litany has grown over the years.
What do I want more than anything?
What should I be doing differently?
What makes me come alive?
The answers to these questions help me to determine which direction to turn, especially when it seems like change is warranted in a hundred areas.
  • Current Music: Lots of new music
Yeah hi, are we like, long lost twinsies? I love that song, yo. It speaks to me. But also so much of the yes on depression stuff. I learned long ago not to half my dose or to skip a day. It's more important to take my depression meds than any of my (many) others, because while high blood pressure might kill me in a year or two, depression would kill me much faster.

But I did have to go off my anxiety medication recently and it was a pain in the ass. Actually the only way I got off it was by having the surgery I just did. This medication was an opioid (not narcotic) AND a SNRI, so having the painkillers from the surgery helped with the opiod withdrawal while the SNRI stuff I'm still working on. Ugh. Medication. Why can't our bodies just function?

And I also hear you on the weight thing too. I need to get my butt moving. I'm at my highest weight since pregnancy and it hasn't changed in almost a year. And my doctor basically just told me that the reason they couldn't operate was because their tools weren't long enough - I had too much fat. And the infectionlike thing I have is basically a pocket of fat that died. Awesome huh? So nate and I have decided we are done with this. I'm done. My body can't live like this for much longer, literally, and in my head I can't live like this any more at all.

And yeah, I am so lazy. I like your approach to it though. I had never actually considered making eating badly hard from a lazy standpoint. I might try this.

Hang in there, my friend. Keep on truckin'. I <3 U. And someday when I visit Canada, I want my pictures done by you. After we hang out for a day just for funsies. Maybe it'll be for a post-weight-loss-boudoir session, and I'll send in the pictures to a weight loss magazine or something and we will both be famous. And ... yay?