HG2G, Don't Panic

Waiting for Something New

It's just another sunrise on a another day
Just another rainbow, well they're all the same
Let me guess, a sunset followed by the moon
I think I'm ready for something new

It's one of those times of life where I've got a wistful acoustic song playing on repeat to keep my stomach from tying in knots. One of those days where things get real enough that even though you're so busy you don't have time to breathe, you have to swirl the breath around your lungs to get the life out of it, and maybe that's where that butterfly feeling comes from… The rising panic makes me feel like I have no air, that can only be defeated by breathing steadfastly until your lungs are full.

A friend of mine just lost her young brother suddenly and unexpectedly, and I can't attend the funeral because of a big session that's been months of planning in the making in Edmonton this weekend. Several friends have had miscarriages in the past month, and one of Paul's cousins and his wife who are dear to us have had a beautiful baby boy with a rare syndrome that means he won't be with us for long. We'll never get to hold him, at least not in this life - but we're following all the news about his little life.

It's just another love song about another girl
Just another movie where they save the world
And every roller coaster does a loop-de-loop
I guess I'm ready for something new

The financial strain of these past few months is really getting to me. We're at the stage where I'm getting pictures of all the things that we don't use and then liquidating everything I can on Kijiji to make it to the next financial injection.

My most pressing concern is for a very flexible job I just accepted driving food delivery for a great startup in Saskatoon. I had cash for a float that I had to put in the bank for bills, and now I'm supposed to start in two days and I have no idea where that money is coming from… But it will come from somewhere. It always does. Today I turned a bunch of toonies and loonies into $40 for the first big amount of money I turned in to them, so there's always hope.

I don't know how much money that job will make me, but at least there's the opportunity to make something if it works out, and what I have to do is drive from place to place with the tunes turned on and food in the passenger seat. I can do that, I think. The best thing is the extremely flexible scheduling that I can actually live with, a proper casual position, with built in downtime that allows me to run my business even while I'm working for them.

And I'm not saying life is boring, just predictable sometimes
When you know the end of every other line is gonna rhyme
After every 8 you're always going to find a 9
And Februrary 2nd will be cold outside

Today Paul got a phone call from his boss saying that the person they were looking at to replace him when he got a new job is going to start taking over his caseload on May 15th. That's the first big concrete date we've had in this whole process, and unfortunately it's not the start date of a new job, but the end date of an old one. Fortunately, however, there's a dozen jobs open for OTs in Edmonton right now, and we've applied to them all, and I'm helping Paul work on some networking to try and find one as soon as possible. There's only so many OTs in Edmonton and only so many jobs, but in either case, we're going to be moving for the end of May or the end of June, which is coming up REALLY fast. No point in staying around here though, when all my work is in Edmonton and that's where we're going anyway. There's got to be something Paul can get a job in - personal caregiver or such - in the meantime if we can't get one in his field. In the meantime, both of us started today with a really sick feeling in our stomachs that hasn't really left. Pardon my french, but as they say, shit's getting real, people.

I've been coping with all the stress as well as I can, which isn't terribly well sometimes, but better than it would have been a couple of years ago at least. But I could be doing a lot better if I were trying harder, and it's about time I started doing a better job of helping myself cope. Sometimes, that means bubble baths and hot cider and candles.

I predict a summer that isn't very long
Then before you know it, you're singing Christmas songs
Then we get another April, May and June
I think I'm ready for something new

In positive news, I feel like I've reached a new sense of peace in my relationship with Paul, where I am more patient with him and have found contentment in myself in all the areas in which I feel things in my life are lacking. Lent has been good for me this year.

I've had a ton of work to do for the Canada Photo Convention this week, but at least it's a pleasurable time. I'm working on finishing up the Time Lapse project for the games store… Should be done this week.

None of this stuff feels much like time off, though. So much for a Sabbatical this year.

Everything has always come through for us eventually, and right now, there's a five figure cheque coming from the government straight to our bank account sometime soon that will alleviate a great deal of financial stress. So it's all just a waiting game right now.

Waiting on that tax return.
Waiting on callbacks for Paul's job.
Waiting on my first shift delivery driving.
Waiting on the weather to turn things green for photography.
Waiting on people to buy my Kijiji items.
Waiting for a final moving date.
Waiting to adopt children into our family.
Waiting for Easter, while still in Lent.

And I'm not saying life is boring
'Cause it's beautiful sometimes
Like the feeling when you're falling
It's like walking on the sky
There will come a morning you won't open up your eyes
But it's what you do until that day arrives

You might have noticed me talking about adoption. I've already spoken to nearly all my friends about it at this point, but Paul and I intend to apply for adoption as soon as we are settled into Edmonton with Paul having a full time, permanent job. We've been over all the information about public adoptions in Alberta, and we're hoping to adopt one child or two siblings in the next couple of years. I'd love to talk to anyone about our reasons, our fears, and our excitement. But the biggest thing I am pleased to say is that for me at least, I am a hundred times happier about the prospect of adopting a child than having my own.

I always did love Anne of Green Gables. And I finally do feel as ready as I'll ever be.

You want to touch a mountain
Or taste a waterfall
You only have to see one, then you've seen them all.
I'm gonna bet tomorrow that the sky is blue
I guess I'm ready
I think I'm ready
I hope I'm ready for something new