Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'll take it back to the start
Sabbatical is challenging in a lot of ways I didn't expect. I didn't realize it would be so exhausting, for one thing. It's not the rest that's exhausting - God knows I need it now - it's the change. Even though I'm trying to make it incremental, it's astonishing how much of my life needs to be worked over, fixed up, patched from years of unthinking self-abuse.
We'll do it all
On our own
It should have occurred to me that assessing my whole lifestyle would bring painful realizations and a burning need for change that didn't tolerate the real life incremental change with much patience, even though progress is being made. I didn't fully anticipate the effect of exposing all the framework of the house I've built for myself, this life. I've found things I never thought I'd find - some great news, some alarming facts that I am dealing with as best I can.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
There were a lot of things I knew going in that should have told me this was going to be the hardest thing I ever tried to do. But I was blind, even knowing I was going in blind to a foreign country.
I don't regret doing it for a minute.
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As I reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cause you were so much better than me
I reported a few brief areas of life I was trying to deal with when I started all this, a month ago. I'm glad I still have two weeks left to work on things - maybe a bit more as life starts ramping up but doesn't get fully crazy for a little bit.
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining
This is what I've spent the lion's share of my time on, actually. There's some news on this front, but I have people to tell in person about this side of my life yet, so I'll save it for another day soon.
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Okay, on one hand I feel I've utterly failed here - but with plans for a home gym, a very reasonable, healthy diet being cultivated, my sleep habits slowly changing to something less broken, and a small but significant focus on hygiene that's been refreshingly easy to adopt, I think I am making reasonable, slow changes and shouldn't be too hard on myself about how much time I've spent during this sabbatical just sitting about. Besides, the weather's been atrocious lately. If I had the luxury of taking a sabbatical in nice weather, maybe things would be easier. Thus - home gym. There needs to be some way of doing something when the world is cold and inhospitable.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzle apart
I would say the second most progress has been in this area. I've edited our budget, used an online banking thing to actually figure out where all our money was going - Mint.com, highly recommended - and with all the hard numbers I've been crunching and some subtle changes I've been able to finally start chipping away at the paralyzing fear I've been harbouring. I don't feel great about it all yet, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Family and Social
I haven't spent as much time as I'd have liked with people, mainly on account of the stress of all the changes I'm trying to make taking all my energy, but the time I have spent, and it's more than usual, has been very rewarding. I may need to host a party after I finish this time of change. Reward myself for it. It would be fun!
Tell me your secrets, ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Mindfulness is something I plan to spend some more time on - I have greatly improved in the area of considering the issues in the present, unfortunately I need a bit more balance.
One of the other huge goals I had, mentally, was to finally deal with a bunch of crappy things I had been avoiding, like collections from clients who weren't paying, selecting some art to go up at my hair salon at their request, and tackling fears and issues in the spiritual and financial realm, and I have had a lot of success with this.
There was no thief, cause it was me that lost you
Organization and Home Improvement
Boy have I ever enjoyed working on some of this. Primarily the financials, but I bought some lovely shelves from Ikea, put up the wall hooks that were months in the planning, re-worked our pantry so we could see everything and therefore eat it… I have a few more projects on my radar but if they don't happen I will be okay.
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Recreation and Creativity
I made a little movie of the dog a few days ago… And I've spent a lot of time reading fun things on the internet, watching TV shows, and spending time with Paul. Ummm. Yeah. Not so much change in this column, really, but I think this is something I need to work into my daily life. One thing I will say about this is that my attitude towards resting and taking time away from work (both personal and job work) is changing for the better. I haven't been in the mood to embroider or play guitar, so I'm not beating myself up over not doing it - especially seeing as some of the other sabbatical areas are going SO well.
So in the denouement here, as I knew on one hand and wished wasn't true on the other, it was never realistic to tackle everything. I just needed some focus points, and they have served me well. I have turned a lot of corners. I have a lot to do next time. I am not even quite done this year's sabbatical, and yet I plan to do it again. It's a very specific sort of refocus. One that works for me.
All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where, confused about how as well
I just know that these things will never change for us at all