So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
No self-defined penance
No problems with easy solutions
Last night I caved to my tiredness and went to bed at 8pm. I told Paul that I would probably wake up at 1:30 or 2, and he told me I'd probably sleep all night. Well, here I am. Sometimes I just know my body. Sometimes I wish I could tell it what to do instead of just knowing what it will do. Maybe if I treated it better on a more regular basis it'd listen better. Who knows.
I've been exploring snippets of the blog posts of friends. My friend Ben from photography class posted for the first time in over a year, a lovely dose of poetry, and I finally read the blog posts my friend Leah made from her trip to India in summer 2011. My time had been taken by other things when that set of posts went up, and I'm not the only one who has that problem. I always end up playing catch-up sometime. At least I don't miss out on some things for forever.
I was able to spend more time recently with several friends and I am working at spending some time with others. After spending some quality time with a best friend I hadn't seen much of for some time, we were talking about how it's kind of normal that I'm kind of having a mid-life crisis these days - I'm where most people are in their lives at that time, considering my workaholism and family, dealing with major issues, and such. I'm ten years ahead or so of where I thought I was going to be, a lot of which is because of the business, living in a nice-sized house, and such. I guess that's a lot of nice things, but most people dont understand how it just feels heavy these days.
Our wonderful Murphy has been looking whippet-ier and whippet-ier - by which I mean he's growing into an older puppy that looks more like his breed every day. Murphy is a total sweetheart. He's very understanding when I catch him for cuddles and with our newfound dedication to dog training, he's learning fast that looking at us, coming when he's called, and going to the bathroom outside are all pretty good for his tastebuds! We've started a puppy class with a very nice lady that's quite nearby, and he's always so excited when he gets to play with the other puppies, though he's a big pup in comparison to most of the dogs there. I am really loving having a dog. It's almost like I can't remember what it was like not having one. I take a lot of photos of him on my camera-phone, and I hope to take a few on my good camera sometime this week - possibly some mid-air leaping photos
I am starting to get a bit of a schedule thought out for my sabbatical - I know I'll be trying some Christian Yoga classes with the wife of one of Paul's best friends, Kim, and I'm excited to try that. We'll be taking another dog class which ought to be awesome
And as I write these things I keep thinking that it's all just the middle of the story. It's funny, because whenever there's a trilogy in a story, it's usually the middle book or movie I like best, but in my own life, I keep struggling. I guess it's the hope of the next part of the story, the knowing that there will be more coming that helps me to appreciate mid-story. I should work a little more at finding that for my own life.
Yesterday at Value Village with Ricki I found a new purse that I quite like, a smaller one that doesn't carry the world, just my wallet, phone, and a couple of extra things. I am picky about purses, so I was really pleased to find this one.
Tonight I looked at an old post that jesusphreaq made, one that still defines where I'm at and where I've been at for years - a nostalgia for the past and a longing for self-understanding, spiritual awakening, and new things. I think I'm ready. I think it's fitting that I only just found this post now, after we just had a conversation about still feeling exactly this way. It's time for that new leaf, the leaving behind of the missing pieces, and the rebuilding from scratch, the building of friendships again after a season of finding yourself. I think I might have found me. I know that's kind of news, but I am almost there. I see myself more than I ever have, the flaws and the threads of different colours in the weave
It's time for me to find most of my friends again, my family and my new family, myself and my own thoughts in company of others rather than in stark isolation.
Christmastime is here
Have a cup of cheer
I think that for many people, this Christmas will be remembered because of all the frost. An interesting coincidence of things came together, the fog rolled in over Saskatoon, and then a cold snap hit. The results: a winter wonderland just in time for Christmas. I hope that I will remember it this way, but for me it was a bit of a mixed bag. I wanted to feel in the Christmas spirit, but I found it difficult. This isn't really news for anyone who knows me. Just one of those things that happens during the holidays.
Paul and I spent Christmas Day relaxing. I think my biggest wish this Christmas is that something like that wasn't special in anyway, that we grow over this next year into a place where things were different. A place where relaxation were common place, something special, but not unheard of. I guess I just don't think that it should take the most wonderful time of the year to make us sit back and do nothing for even a day. And here, just a few weeks later, I feel like we're starting to really work hard at taking real, solid days to relax. We just had one on Saturday. Maybe my wish was granted by my own hard work. It often is.
It is the feeling of profound discontentment that kept me from holiday spirit in December. The knowledge that I couldn't seem to shake that things are not as they should be, that life had been hard and continues hard. And even as I sat there on a soft couch, with a warm dog chewing contentedly beside me and a hot cup of tea on my other side, I felt so many things other than contentment.
I certainly feel progress, the memory of last year is filled with it. After years of struggle without what felt like progress, it is incredible to finally see what year of real progress looks like. I have changed. From what I can tell, I've changed for the better. It looks like things are looking up from here. Someone told me recently that I should not focus on the financial aspect of life, but that's so difficult. It feels so natural to worry about money. I never said it felt right, but it feels natural. I really hope that it can be different though. I am trying to make that change, the biggest change that perhaps I have ever tried to implement.
The Christmas tree, the lovely one I inherited from my parents, is dark now, the lights are off and I've been preparing mentally and organizationally to take it down for the first time after putting it up for the first time it's seen the season in a decade. I'm planning for the future, for the next year that it goes up, and I plan that as its boughs fall open it will be in a cascade of joy rather than sorrow, security rather than worry, and peace rather than emptiness. I pray that it may be so, and wish upon the tree-top star as I take it down for a heart-warm Christmas in 2013
Paul and I have decided to take some time, while I am on Sabbatical, to think over what money means to us, how we feel about it, and our whole philosophy of living in a world that requires it for everything. It's time to nail down some feelings and thoughts and re-consider some bad habits. Despite all my worrying, things will be okay. I put $10 in quarters in my purse three months ago - for when things got really dire and I needed some money to buy things. That dire moment didn't happen, and today as I switched purses I took that money and put it into my change purse, back into normal circulation. I want to move to a situation of monitoring our money rather than fearing it. Finding the security to know that whatever happens, it's going to end up being alright.
I'm making a list of 20 essential things I want to get out of my sabbatical, four or five in all the important areas that I lack - relaxation and fun, relationships, spirituality, and such things. I am so excited about going into a brand new day… in the middle of things. This is my unfinished story. I can write the rest.