newsong (newsong) wrote,


Some nights I wish that this all would end

Cause I could use some friends for a change

Today has been a hard day. Despite all the reasons I should be happy - new puppy, new house, success growing and money troubles getting easier - I am slipping into depression again. It starts out innocently enough, I start getting annoyed and avoiding others. I start staring at the wall for long periods of time and have a terrible time focusing, if a mid-size crisis erupts I cry and lose my cool utterly. Innocuous things creep together and at some point I look out on the dreary world, sun hidden behind a cloud and a season, and realize the truth - I'm depressed again. Just in time for Paul's work med coverage to kick in, yay.

I always think I've beaten it and then the season changes or something really bad happens and it comes back and suddenly I can't believe that things are going to be okay, and there's not enough proof in the world for me.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost

Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for

Most nights I don't know anymore

I have been feeling myself slipping into the whirlpool lately and as usual I think to myself, I'll just do something to fix it. I'll get out and go shopping, or I'll spend time with Paul or organize something to my satisfaction and this persistent feeling that things will never be okay again will slip back out the way it came in. If only it were that simple. I will have to get an appointment with my doctor again. It's so ironic, you know, to get nailed by this thing just as things were starting to get better in so many areas. 

Yesterday evening I had a meltdown because I had an unfortunate accident with a hot pepper and an open sore while making nachos. It hurt, yes, but it shouldn't have sent me into an utter catastrophic meltdown. Paul came home to a blubbering wife who felt so small inside she was pea-sized. 

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck

Some nights I call it a draw

Tonight sucked because Paul got his cheque and it was smaller than we thought it would be because the government took an obscene amount off for taxes, and then Paul left it on top of his laptop when we put our borrowed dog pen out. I was concerned that it was way too small and he'd get out. Paul said it wasn't going to happen, that it came all the way up to his neck when he was on his back legs. I was suspicious. I should have abandoned ship. We headed out for a really nice steak supper to celebrate the fact that life was finally looking up.

When we got home a couple of things were destroyed - the bow off a favourite pair of rain shoes I bought in Cuba (still wearable, just asymmetrical now), a couple of cheap Christmas ornaments from the lower half of the tree, but when I saw Paul's face I knew something was really wrong. The dog ate his paycheque. Well, technically just tore it up, but he tore it up into twelve pieces. And we had them rush that cheque to us because we have nothing left this month, totally empty. We're going to go to the bank tomorrow and see what can be done to ensure that our creditors don't make our lives hell this month and kill our credit rating for a ridiculous dog-ate-my-paycheque problem. I guess we'll see what happens, but I don't think it will ruin us, this will get fixed and one day we'll laugh about it. As for me, I might have hit a crazy note beyond my usual, but I'm laughing now.

The funny thing is that after seeing tons of such stories of dog disasters online, this is one of the worst, and I feel like I have won the internet. And finally I have a dog-ate-my-homework story, which I always remember thinking, wouldn't that be crazy if it happened to someone I know? I will remember not to wish things like that. 

Or name my dog partially after a well known saying about bad luck.

So Murphy's Law reigned supreme tonight. It could go wrong. I knew it. And it did. Paul reacted with shock and then some panic, since I'd been so inconsolable about money earlier in the night and he'd promised me everything would be okay and then we'd gone and had a nice and rather pricey meal, and here we were with the problem that everything might not be okay after all, or at least it wouldn't be okay as soon as we deposited this cheque. *sigh*

What do I stand for? What do I stand for?

Most nights I don't know anymore

Today we had to pay half a grand for fixes to our car to get it licensed in Saskatchewan, which will save us a heck of a lot more in the long run since Alberta's private insurance is pretty much privateering. It's just a bump in the road, I keep telling myself that. And if I tell myself enough good things and suck it up and get some help, it will get better a lot sooner.

And here's hoping I can finish a bunch of work tomorrow, because I really need to.

Some nights I always win, I always win

EDIT: I taped the cheque together and the bank cashed it! Yay!

Tags: #life, depression, happiness, money, murphy, murphy's law, thngvb day
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