Big surprise, I'm a ghost keeping out of sight
I am a bit of a wreck today. Paul encouraged me to get out of the house, to go out, do something else, be away from the madhouse of cleaning and walls of boxes and other people in what was, once my safe space. I don't feel like I have a safe space right now, and that in-between is making me feel crazy.
And as I try to digest the words I couldn't believe
I'm left with nothing to say with my heart on my sleeve
Making it easy to hurt and even harder to breathe
I have a lot of memories in this Edmonton home and in Edmonton. Some good, some bad, some humdrum, run of the mill.
I remember candlelit suppers with Paul, funny moments when we'd chase each other through the galley kitchen and living room, squealing and laughing. I remember finally putting our wedding photos up on the wall. I remember getting an Ikea shelf for my workspace because my business stuff was just overflowing my space. I remember sitting on the futon and playing guitar for Paul. I remember dozens of dumpster-diving successes - from an Ikea drawer for my shelf to my big dumpster achievements like the big white shelf and the tea cart and a nice halogen lamp. I managed to increase our furniture by almost double and I spent about $150 in total, which I think is pretty cool. I remember sitting on the couch talking to Paul about finances - something we spent a rather large amount of time on these last two years... I remember watching TV on the computer with Paul almost every evening, enjoying the time spent sharing things together. I remember eating the best meat either of us had ever tasted on a special anniversary date night with Paul to the Greek restaurant in our building, and the awesome privilege of shopping at the Sobeys without having to go outside. I remember so many little things. Part of me is afraid that in leaving I will lose them.
Like a shooting star
Shine no matter where you are
I don't really want to leave. I have been a reluctant part of this whole affair from the start, despite the doors being thrown wide open for us at every turn as soon as we decided it was best to move back. I think a big part of it for me is that when we left Saskatoon I was never nostalgic for the place, just the people. Some of those relationships have gotten a little weathered in the last two years as I spent so much time on work. I don't really have any regrets - I tried - but a lot of people in Saskatoon seem to feel that those who aren't in the city don't exist, or at least that's how I felt about maintaining relationships from a distance. Even so, every time we were in Saskatoon our social calendar was exhausting, and when I think about Saskatoon that's the one thing I really look forward to - adding frequent visits to my calendar once again at all times instead of once a month or less.
Yesterday we met with a couple who have accepted my offer to pay a pseudo-rental fee to be a guest in their home intermittently. They have three lovely dogs, two cats, and a parrot - serious animal people obviously - and they were very friendly to us. Paul is pleased that when I am in Edmonton - which will be often this coming year - I will be well taken care of and not lonely. I am just happy to find a way to keep the costs down so I can party when I'm here! Just kidding, it's a really amazing opportunity. I wasn't super keen on staying on hotels all the time, and the human contact is a good thing. I like hotels on occasion (though preferably not the last occasion!) and I think I would be loathe to spend the money on them... So that closes the big loose end.
Paul and I were talking about just how much God has taken care of us in this last year, and despite the amazing evidence of that, we've been finding it hard to let go and allow him to take care of us. We both feel like we need to be responsible for ourselves. It's something about our lives that causes a great deal of stress, and it's something we want to change, we want to rest in His providence.
I've been using my new To Do list method (The Secret Weapon) for almost two weeks now and it's great because it keeps all the things I don't need to do today off my mind by keeping them from my eyes. I am getting better at adding everything that needs to be done to my list, and that's really all that's needed to keep me a bit calmer about things. It's definitely something I would recommend for short and long term plans.
I am currently sitting in Second Cup after a bit of a shopping spree - I finally found nice taper candle holders for setting up an Advent wreath and I spent a good half hour in a halloween costume store - and proceeded to get scared by a mechanical spider dropping from the ceiling, which was entertaining because I knew it was there so it shoudn't have scared me... There were some very unique costumes at this store - from dressing as Heinz Ketchup to dressing your dog as Gumby. I laughed a few times. I can't wait to have trick or treaters at our house this year. Hope the weather is nice enough for the kids to come out!
I don't need the stars in the night
I've found my treasure
All I need is you by my side
So shine forever
Tomorrow I drive a giant truck across country. I am hoping that it will be an easy drive with no complications, and that our new home will turn out to be as wonderful as we keep hoping it will be. It feels like home already and we're not even living there. In the end I think I will be happy. It's just a hard day today. Feels overwhelming and sad. I don't want to say goodbye to this city. I also feel like I just did this - moving - even though it was two years ago. But we are going to do our best not to move for a long time now.
I doubt I'll manage to blog until a day or two after the move if then... so farewell until the other side.
Like a hijacked plane
Or a runaway train
Or a speeding bullet
There's no stopping this
I left my heart in Metropolis