ineffectual scrat

What Dreams May Come and Go

Freedom on my mind
Carry me away for the last time

I had the weirdest dreams last night. I was the hero in both of them, but sad things were happening, so it wasn't really movie-style, unless we're talking noir comic book Frank Miller type story perhaps. In one dream, I was given a sadistic choice - die or let Paul die - by a dictatorial person (who looked Cuban, though we were in a very cold place) and had to decide whether to shoot him or not when I took him hostage and took over the compound, and in another I was rescuing one of my best friends from her job at a seedy strip club after she called me to visit her, which was essentially a call for help. I remember both dreams vividly.

If this is gonna run 'round in my head
I might as well be dreaming
Run 'round in my head

I can think of reasons for both of these dreams. Deciding whether or not to kill the pigeon eggs is weighing on me. I realize that to many people they are pests, but I think they're beautiful and I don't know if I have the heart to kill a living thing that I'm not eating, so I'm not certain what I want to do. 

I've been trying to take it easy for a couple of days after I had a mini breakdown at the tradeshow because I was so tired. Life is kind of ridiculous right now, and I am looking forward to the winter season when things can calm down a little and I take that sabbatical from work since Paul is making money and I will have monthly payments coming in. I started making a list of things I want to do - like shoot for myself and I want to edit my many panoramas from various travel destinations. I want to go on a road trip just to see friends, read some classic books I haven't gotten to yet, and organize the house. I have some spiritual and personal commitments for my own good that I need to pursue. I want to visit with my family, play with my new dog, take care of my husband, and make some amazing meals. It sounds like paradise, and since next year is looking to be pretty busy, I think it's going to be pretty necessary. 

Today at therapy was kind of a tough day, confronting some of the ridiculous irrational fears I have about life these days. It's exhausting sometimes, but it is worth the change. 

I had a bunch of last minute bookings for this week, so I am shooting a session a day, except for tomorrow, all the way until Saturday. After the Saturday session I'm going to take off to Saskatoon to do a bunch of editing in a clean space without the chaos of moving.