You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I am so exhausted from my two weekends of trade shows (with a week of hardcore visiting and photo editing in-between) that I thought, for the most part, I would end up taking today off. I had originally planned to do that entirely, and than life kind of took over and threw things at me that I thought I'd finished…
So I focused on making up for old mistakes - I had accidentally overlooked a Mac-only disc burning setup for awhile that made my Windows-using clients call in puzzlement… I need to reburn most of the DVDs I sent out last week, but I don't have to re-edit everything, so it's all good, not a super crazy mistake. I am so tired of making mistakes. It's because I'm so tired and so busy. Next year I am hoping I can shape to be different.
I'm pleased to announce that my building isn't kicking me out a month early - they just had a weird automated notice system that was giving me notices a month early, and causing people to perform move out inspections and whatnot. It's all good though. Nothing bad is happening. Just try telling me that last night when I opened the move-out notice dated for just a couple of days from now and I was super tired after the tradeshow. But oh how time flies - almost exactly a month from now we will be moving from this house to the next, from one city to another, from one lifestyle to a new one. We're going to buy our first dog and we're considering trying to start a family soon. And all these changes are compounding my stress, despite the fact that I do have a sense of peace about the move.
This ain't a good time
But when is it ever
I know the perfect time
And baby that's never
Paul and I had a great talk on our road trip on Friday. He had to go out to Kindersley for a job, and I rode shotgun and took the chance to talk about some life stuff we hadn't felt we had time to talk about for what felt like many moons. I took some time to do some private journalling at Tim Hortons, ate a giant ice cream cone (Marble Slab Creamery's Sweet Cream ice cream is da bomb) and subsequently took the two hour drive home to talk about personal issues and really clear the air after some major rough patches caused by our frequent times spent living apart. Of course, one of those led to his awesome job, so good things have come of it, but it's been hard.
Life has been hard for us here. It's so much easier for me to blog now that we're moving back. Partly because I know people are there and reading this, but partly just because while I was here, almost all I did was work and my memories are so vague. I had repeated failures at trying to create lasting, close relationships with people here, because all they did was work. And for all the reasons I've always hated Calgary, Edmonton was a problem too. Alberta is a province of all work all the time, and as long as you're towing that line, you don't notice anything. But when you want to rest, when you want to socialize, I have felt that for me at least, this place lacked a few essentials.
In Edmonton, my life has been mainly in the details. I love eating burritos at Burrito Libre, a mexican food place with the best burritos ever. I loved the candy store ambiance of Coney Island, the gigantic Fringe festivals, the novel situation of having a postbox that I had to unlock instead of a normal hinged mailbox. I enjoyed growing my household furniture through dumpster diving in the comfort of my own building, I appreciated the unrivalled beauty of the Edmonton river valley in Fall three times, I lived in a loft with many amenities. I experienced the joy of discovering IHOP and Second Cup and the better shopping of the big city for all the abnormal sizing and tastes present in myself. I found a camera store I love called Vistek and I intend to continue buying my equipment there. I enjoyed several amazing stuff-stores on Whyte Ave and smiled at the sunrise after many sleepless nights. I weathered a hundred money crises and did what many only dream of doing - take off on my own wings. I discovered for the first time what being a successful artist could mean. And now, for the first time, I will be hiring staff and likely a few independent contractors under the umbrella of my business.
We all want someone to be discovered, a hardworking, talented person to make it. We're suckers for that story. It's what TV shows are all about these days, especially shows like X Factor and The Voice. (I watched the Voice today, and I love it. Paul says he'd let me try out if there were ever a Canadian one!) To some degree I really have that story for myself already, when I think about it. I am so excited to have finally "made it" as they say.
For instance, today I booked a wedding from someone who saw me in the show yesterday - for a wedding on the West Edmonton Mall's Pirate ship! I am super excited about that, it's coming up this January. I already have 5 weddings booked for next year and I am aiming for about 15, since they're already quite well spread out over the year. I have four sessions this week, which means I need to continue trying to get my butt in gear and crank out some finished sessions for those who are waiting even though I'm tired.
I hope that my new home helps me to feel more rested, with all the clutter that is just because I don't have enough space for a business' flotsam in our small square footage here.
I watched Mr. Hollands Opus today again, since I felt like it exemplified part of the choice I'm making as an artist in moving back to Saskatoon. That line about the people being his opus, his life's work, is what I was thinking of when I chose to see it again. I think that it sums up what I want to express when people ask why we're moving when life is so successful, but I feel that I can't express it and sometimes I don't even want to answer honestly because I feel so unable to communicate exactly why we're doing what we're doing. It's because of people. I am not an island. I pretended I was for a while, but I kept sinking and watching the water creep up.
So I am ready to face the reality that I need people, that I need to protect my soul from this life that can eat you up and spit you out with success. I hope to be able to
The mommy pigeon from earlier has come back and laid two eggs this time, but unfortunately this time I think I'll need to do a mercy-kill on the eggs - whoever is living here after us will probably not be so kind to two baby pigeons on their new deck, and I need to take the planter that the nest is in back with me, so all in all it's not looking good for that situation.
I am frustrated with how my house doesn't ever seem to become less of a mess… But I don't really think that can be helped at this point, what with all the chaos. It's just unfortunate I don't have a friend to come help me deal with it. In the end, though, my lovely Mom-in-law is going to come back with me to help pack everything in a couple of weeks. I wasn't supposed to go back to Saskatoon for a week and a half, but I might actually head back on Saturday afternoon (after my fourth session this week) so I can get out of this stressed space and back into the zone I was in last week at their house when I got a lot of work done.
Until then, I will plod along, shoot some sessions, get as much work done as I can, and be good to myself.
Countdown to moving into our first house: One month.
Countdown to having our first dog: Two months, or probably a bit less
Countdown to Paul's first paycheque as an OT: Soon. Not sure when, but soon. We'll be okay though.