does anyone know

Carnival Day

Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone

I can barely believe summer is over and we're a third of the way into September already. If I could get a solid day of work done I'd be caught up, but I've been tired, sad, and listless for almost two weeks now. I'm working as hard as I can.

The further I'm from you
The harder I try to exist

Paul left for Saskatoon on the bus the day after we got back from Cuba, which was great for a few days, but the longer he's been gone the less okay I've felt. I guess I knew that was coming. I'm going through a lot of deep emotional issues though, so it's been a rough go for a few weeks. Loneliness is reminding me just how isolating life here in Edmonton has been. I am glad to be going back home to Saskatoon for most things.

These are a few of my favourite things...

A few days after he left (September 4th) there was a little Carnival in our building's common area, where I met the folks responsible for Wonderstuff, a really cool entertainment group. They had a little carnival with some great games. I totally loved every minute, having been a sucker for carnival games ever since the first one I remember - duck dipping. There was a duck-dipping game at this carnival, which made it even more special to me. I took lots of photos of the games, and one of the friendly guys took some photos of me as well. There were balloon animals, I enjoyed a stick of cotton candy for the first time (I'd tried some once but I didn't care for it much. This was grape flavoured and delicious. I got to see how the machine worked too. 

By far the best moment was being the subject of a magic trick, and having the magician explain how that one trick worked. I was in heaven. I won't explain it here of course, and he said to keep it a secret, but as one of the simplest sleight of hand tricks in existence, it was amazing to find out about it. This is only a few days after seeing a magic show which drove me crazy because all I want to do is figure it out. Magic is something I am totally obsessed about. I know it works somehow and I want to know how with every fiber of my being. The mystery is a pleasurable kind of crazy headspace of desperate desire for me. Paul has enjoyed magic all his life and has no driving innate need to know how it works, he even saw a Copperfield show. (I think I'd go a little insane for a few weeks. "BUT THERE WAS NO WAY THAT HAPPENED. I DID NOT SEE THAT. DID I?!") I treasure the moment a magician decided I was privy to his secret. Hint: The part that makes you feel like it's impossible is why it worked. Yeah. That's really helpful I know. I certainly prefer street magic because I feel like it's POSSIBLE for me to figure it out. Even though it's probably not. So basically this moment of finally learning one trick made my life. I kind of want to learn how to do it now. Just like I tried to learn to juggle once, though unfortunately I was kind of hopeless at it, it did give me great respect for street performers.

I also truly enjoyed an amazing riddle the magician teased us with during lunch. One of those ones where you say a bit of poetry and people have to figure out what happened using only yes or no questions. Three of us puzzled on it for a long time until we finally figured it out - but I'm not going to share the riddle here, if you want to figure it out, you'll have to ask me for the riddle in an email or something, though it would be better in person. I'm planning to foist it on Paul on our road trip to Edmonton for the next wedding show. The lady had a set of Angel Cards, which is a really, really light version of fortune telling (akin to  Fortune Cookies, which I enjoy) and so I decided that it wouldn't be a problem. I felt the results kind of spoke to me though, as the cards I picked were blessings, spiritual growth, answered prayer, new beginnings, and inspiration. All of those things are a part of my life in a big way recently. I think the magic of these things is really in thinking about parts of your life in a network. It's really set up so you do the thinking and uncovering about your own life. I certainly don't have any belief that these were a predictor or effect my life in any way, and they're not any kind of slippery slope to another kind of fortune telling, but it was interesting to think of those aspects of my life, and I didn't feel any sort of spiritual nudge not to do it, so I'm feeling that my conscience is clear. It was interesting.

All in all, between the duck fishing, tossing coins into the containers, spinning the wheel of mystery and other games, I had the time of my life. Someday I am going to have a stay-cation at the Exhibition and spend a ridiculous amount of money on playing the games. It's on my life to do list. For the rest of the week I've spent my days in the company of a balloon fish and a balloon giraffe whose extreme cuteness has been a boon to me in my lonliness.

Check out the photos here.

Leaving, may not be coming home
Needing to know I'm not alone…
Taking time to get over it
Making the best of what won't quit

People have been looking at the place for a few days, which has been a little crazy because with the shows coming up I had a huge tradeshow display in my living room. I got good reactions from the staff who were showing the place, though the people who were house hunting obviously had better things to do and probably didn't like the fact that it took away the view.

Today there was a move-out inspection. Apparently someone got wires crossed about moving dates and they thought I was moving out this month. At least it sounds like our damage deposit is safe, and it's not my problem if they've made a mistake. Maybe I could move earlier though? =)

Having the move-out inspection makes me a little nostalgic for this place. They noted the sticky bedroom door, the tub enamel wearing off, the sliding closet doors that constantly come out of their groove… It's funny how the little problems with a home just become a part of their character. I have so many amazing memories of this place. I truly, really loved it, and it felt like home. I know I'm probably going to cry when I leave here. I wish I could take this place with me when I leave this city. This is the first place I ever lived that was truly mine. I lived with my parents, then I lived with a friend, then I lived in a house with roommates I didn't know and only what we could fit in a car, then I finally came to this place, the perfect centre of my life. I will miss it sometimes, even if I find another place I like just as much. There's something about a person's first real home that sticks with them I think.

In other news, I started a Tumblr blog for my favourite quotes and started transferring all the quotes from the old website, which despite being outdated and with a lapsed domain, still looks pretty cool. But I'd rather it was super blog-easy to post all my favourite quotes and things, in a searchable format. So:

Today a photo of me with my Shootsac went on their Facebook page, I submitted it to thank them for the invaluable resource that bag has been. Thanks also to my family who helped me to buy it when I seriously needed it a year ago.

A lesson in breathing 
is never using control

Our puppy mama is extremely pregnant and the breeder is hosting guess-the-number-of-puppies games on Facebook. I said I didn't care how many as long as one was for us. I feel a little like an adoptive mom… I am so excited about the fast approaching life with a dog that I've wanted ever since I left home. We might get a choice of the reg name once we choose our puppy, though we're not sure what the call name (normal life name) will be yet. We may pick one that is part of the reg name, as the breeder is thinking about a "Caught" theme for this litter. I am learning some breeder lingo. =) I will know how many puppies there will be soon since she's getting an X-ray done today. 

Now that it's up I can also officially announce that I'm buying the same web address for Saskatoon Photographer that more than tripled my income in Edmonton over the past year. Another expensive investment, but investments for the future are sometimes the right thing to do.

Today was supposed to be an all-day editing day, but I thought I'd spend some quality time writing because I felt restless, and I had a Cuba blog post that was already long overdue. So back to work it is!