I was once an all or nothing person, then I became a most-or-nothing person, and now I have set myself on a path of becoming a relaxed and peace-filled, achievable-goal-oriented, healthy and well-adjusted person. This will certainly take a lifetime, but I do have some great role models. I feel like I have been a great case study for proving that all-or-nothing mentality is a consistent recipe for massive, crashing failure. I'd say I was the poster child, except that would be selfish and not take the facts into account - in this I am not the worst of sinners. That mentality is common, even prevalent. My first response to this is to tell every one of you to stop thinking that way right now! How fittingly ironic. Instead, I shall ask everyone to create one or two specific, achievable long term goals, and when they are achieved, to reward oneself with something meaningful or fun. That is a far more realistic change.
This has been a week full of self-help appointments. After several tries over many months to find a therapist who would agree to work with me, I've found one in my building complex who is giving me his lowest floating rate, and has had long-term success working with other binge eaters in the past. My favourite moment of our meeting was when he said that he was going to say some things that were pretty much guaranteed to be true, and I would say, "Bullsh*t." He then gave a great example of that by saying, "Perfection is not achievable." and I was like, "Yep. I know that's true, but even so, Bullsh*t was the exact word that came to the back of my mind." His therapy model seems ideally suited to the issues I'm facing - rather than working on the past, it's about working on the present issues and making consistent changes over time.
Making inconsistent, too-fast, unsteady changes is something I am an expert at failing at. Now I have help, people to expose these lies that make all my misery. I am doing my best to convince myself that nobody is an island of perfection, but those are ever-present struggles.
So I have a brain-specialist who says we can work toward a cure. Today I met with a dietician who helped me construct realistic goals and seemed optimistic that making some simple changes in my diet could result in an overall decrease in binge behaviour. At the chiropractor today, my visit frequency was reduced because my body, especially my lower back, is doing better. And tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to fill out referral papers for the Calgary ED program, which will create a more intensive environment with which to handle this illness.
This Lent, I have decided to set time aside to learn and review already touched-upon truths about the sanctity, beauty, and importance of the body in keeping with the journey I have set myself upon. A journey of many small steps, small failures, small successes, and the way they add up to something much bigger than the moment. I finally believe, for the first time, that I can beat this thing.
I am training these hands for war. A subtle, long-term battle of will and determination, that can only be won by outpacing the darkness inside. I am stubborn, I will work hard at this, and the truth will prevail.
Paul is very supportive and loving. Tonight we had supper with a couple where the girl is in his program, and we really enjoyed ourselves, talking for hours about all sorts of things. It pleases me to realize that we may have several life-long friends in some of Paul's classmates - people to play board games with, talk with, live alongside. No man is an island.