Starting A New Decade

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think You can, I think You can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands

The frost makes forests and icebergs on my windows, courtesy of my need for airborne water. The Christmas tree in my room still sparkles with the pleasure of a celebration, and I am celebrating a hard-won victory over my tendencies to overstress about life. I am trying to relax, to enjoy relaxing. To accomplish things and see my accomplishments as less important than those things which truly make up my life.

I have noticed a number of thoughts regarding LiveJournal lately. I've been thinking about it as well. I am slightly less driven to write, and I feel it's because I'm not lonely anymore. LiveJournal served a much bigger purpose to me when I was always feeling lonely. These days I am busy in a life I am happy with, and don't write nearly as much as I used to, by half or more. Partly it's because not as much happens to me now that I'm out of University. Partly it's because so often I just don't know what to say. Today I read the forward to a book I purchased a year ago, a new and fascinating modern biography, complete with ridiculous amounts of research, on Harry Houdini's life and rise to fame. It talked about how he was a proficient and profuse letter-writer and that much of what we know of his life comes from his 160,000 letters. I know I would have loved a letter-writing society. In fact, my blogging hearkens back to the days when people had no choice but to write each other over distances. It seems that the digital age has distanced us even as it claims to bring us closer together. This blog is my autobiography, the diary that is open to those I love, much of which is also open to the vast unknown readers of the internet. I've never been very concerned that LJ is impersonal, because I view it more as an autobiography than a letter. Perhaps this is due to my natural artistic arrogance. Perhaps it's just that I am a writer, an introvert, an examiner of people. So I plan to continue here, despite my lack of writing of late. I look forward to writing to you all again. I am composing my 2009 review speech - a crazy one, and I think the third year in a row that I have endeavored to build such a beast. I am also writing about my Christmas.

The first day after the holiday I had a lot of energy and went right to work doing all my laundry - which after having gotten rid of clothing that doesn't fit me anymore is actually a lesser job - boxing up my files from 2009, setting up my fileboxes for 2010 and going through my graphic and photographic jobs for early 2010. I felt ready to launch, de-stressed. I am still looking forward to a day trip to the Spa in Manitou Beach after which there will be a dance. This comes mid-month, and I am certain I will find more balance soon. Today was a bit less awesome, since I had a crappy sleep and chose to, well, sort-of waste my morning sleeping. I don't actually think it was a waste, I just feel like it, and I have the uneasy knowledge that my feelings today are wrong since they mostly involve personal inadequacy. I did valuable things - I took care of Paul and made him sleep and eat when he crashed at my place after work, I spent time with my dear friend Ricki in person, a short commodity these days I feel. I shopped for a few needed groceries. I picked up a few books from the library.

No waste, certainly, of my time. Paul reminded me of the things that we'll remember, sitting in the car today as I was feeling very forlorn about my non-existent personal inadequacy. He reminded me that we'll remember the times we spent with people, the truly important things. Not whether we went for groceries on Tuesday or Friday. Not whether our To Do list was ever fully finished.

I remind myself tonight that I ought to repent of this. Constant obsession with doings of this nature is really only a form of selfishness. Something to find a way around.

I want to win this battle. And I want to win my battle against food. And this is the plan in 2010. Let's see if I can do it.

It's funny. I always thought that my motto, "Never get so busy living that you never really lived" was for other people. More and more I realize it's the log in my own eye.

So this is the New Year
And I have no resolutions
For self-assigned pennance
For problems with easy solutions
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