newsong (newsong) wrote,

Uncovered and Overcoming

This is post #1 in

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Or a subtle veneer of makeup over myself


My Grad Photo, May 2009

Every year for the Blogathon I try and re-define myself. How do I appear to others, and who am I? What image do I present to the world when words are not enough for everyone, though they are so much to me?

I am vibrant, pure color. I wear brilliant colors in swaths and stripes, I desire the most stunning colors in every accessory – I have neon orange luggage with a neon green tag, a bright red bag with a deep purple water bottle and a purple iPod cover.

I am passion. I am filled with art and artistic ideas. Details in sidewalk cracks and weeds caught in railings capture my attention with their beauty, sounds make music for me, and I use words to capture just as I use a camera. These things – words, images, sounds – they make up the chief experiences of my life. Touch is a more recent addition.

I am strong and I walk with confidence. Sometimes when I’m alone in a crowd, I walk like I’m on a runway. I wonder who sees me, and if they see me at all.

I am weak, and I believe that life should not be lived in isolation. Sometimes I feel invisible. Then someone catches my eye and we trade smiles, and I feel like I’ve been a part of the best commerce in the world. Sometimes nobody does, and I wonder why so many people have come to live inside themselves.

Every few days I will see a good looking man staring at me and wonder if he’s thinking, “Look, there’s a fat girl.” And at that moment I can tell how I’m doing emotionally, because I will either realize that I don’t really care, or I will pause for a minute and wonder if he’s thinking of me at all or if it’s just in my head. And sometimes someone will look at me with desire in their eyes and I know it's not really about that, but those days have been few in my life so far.

I feel like I have “It Factor” but it’s buried under a layer that for a very long time I could not control at all. Fat. I am obese by any standard, and there's a reason for it. A disorder that I've struggled with since puberty.

Welcome to the life of a mind and heart trapped inside a body - a body that she is trying to see as a valued whole, not a mind trap. But the truth of the story lies in where it’s going, not in how it looks. Welcome to the resistance, the healing chapter, the happily ever after.

I want to share it with you. My life. But first, I must take a page from Lewis Carol and begin at the beginning.
Tags: blogathon 2009

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