photography, artist

Letting Go

I'm falling down tumbling after You
I'm overwhelmed tripping over simple truth
In all I've found there's nothing that's more beautiful
Than what I've found in You

Today was one of those days where I overcame. I got up in the morning feeling all the soreness of Saturday's wedding workout and wondering how I was going to motivate myself when I felt so completely finished - no oomph, no drive, just wanting to sit on the couch and stare out the window. I had made an appointment to meet with my pastor, and he wasn't feeling well today so that got switched to tomorrow.

Not only was my body finished, my heart has been entirely restless. I have spent the last few weeks feeling like a camera that can't decide how to autofocus, the immediate things clear then blurring out as the far things become clear, but it always seems like I'm at the wrong F-stop for clear vision of the present and the future.

A few days ago my friend Ricki gave me back my comment book from my art show and I had the realization that I'm not done that stage of my life yet, that there were two other pieces that I wanted to put into that show that I need to work on yet over the next few years. So I know that's a part of my life I need to return to. I re-read a letter that my Photo prof wrote to all his students last year, a letter I'll treasure and return to for some of the really useful life wisdom it contains, not just about art, but about a life philosophy that I believe in - an understanding of the process being the important thing.

Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

In this moment I am found

I spent so many of my years not understanding process. I wanted to fix myself entirely. I'd go at it all wrong, all at once, and as a result I'd crash and burn and wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't tackle the biggest problems of life and win. A few wise people pointed things out to me that should have been obvious. Only God can fix me, for one thing, and fixing takes time. Life is not instant. Process is all of it. We live as a process and that is what can be enjoyed if we take the time to try that style of living on - the one where process is key, process, progress, and the excitement of the unknown. I can't fix other people either. I can pray for them, I can wish them well, I can try and apply wisdom to their situation, but free will reigns. I am becoming much more comfortable with that. I am not responsible for everyone's decisions,  only my own, how I handle myself. This is actually helping to humble me. Part of humilty for me is understanding what I am and what I am not responsible for. I don't control everything. I can't, and I don't have to. It's not my responsibility to save the world. This had been a confusing area for me all my life. I believe I'm starting to get it.

I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by

A wise man said to me lately that when confronted with an impossible foe, there's three choices. All of them are sometimes right, but largely, two of them are going to end badly. You can stand, you can fight, or you can run. Running and Fighting are exhausting in their own way, and if the foe is strong, you can lose easily. Standing is even worse when it comes to energy, but it's often the right choice. If you run, they can run after you. If you fight, they can fight back. If you stand, their normal approach is useless becuase standing just doesn't seem like an option. I've spent my whole life fighting and it's exhausting, and it's my first approach even still. I almost never ran. To me an enemy is an automatic fight. But standing? Standing has it's own kind of exhaustion. Standing firm is one I have to try. A new territory. I think it might just work. Learning how to stand is part of my personal emotional process. A process I am beginning to understand, to see and to enjoy.

I never knew just how much all the facets of who I am would bring me to this place and present me to process, ready to tackle it. I see possibility in myself like I never did before - a lifetime of coming closer to who I really want to be. This isn't over. It's just starting.

As these mountains of doubt
They fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more

So I sat there this morning knowing I had a big project due date for work today and I turned on some music, sat down, and did it. I just launched, and after I got into it I felt in my element, happy with my work, pleased that what I did seemed close to satisfactory to my boss even though I felt like I was doing it blind. I got the part of it done right before heading out for a long overdue supper with my dear friend Kori. After supper I made a very successful presentation of my ideas for the promotion and website of the U of S Ballroom Club (as a Publications officer and part of their executive) and I felt like I'd successfully tackled my day. I came a bit late to the bi-annual member meeting at my Church and found out there's lots of good news for us, and then I came home and had a really cool conversation with my family about some of the things that are going on with me lately. We ate cherries and blueberries (two of my absolute favourite fruits, though I basically love all fruit) and drank chai. I hadn't seen my parents much since housesitting and so I was really pleased to see them and have some good conversation again.

I'm a fire, I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I'm a war already won
I'm a revolution

I was immediately inspired to go back to listening to Starfield, which is the band that I find meets me in my hardest times and allows me to worship most fully and put my heart to rest. I've been worshiping with them for almost an hour now and I feel met. I feel peace and freedom and the clarity of F-22, the full picture, all the details. I see the beauty of who I am right now and for who I am to become. I see the futility of life without the highest purpose in mind. I am refocusing, repeatedly. And every once and awhile when I get a glimpse of the picture completely, I am humbled and awed by it. I feel so blessed. It's all God. It usually is.

I was born to speak the truth. But first I have to find it. That's what this journey is now. That's why I changed my blog title. He saved my life from a colorless one, now I'm desperate for the change, starving for the truth, letting go. It's not easy, but nothing worth having is easy. This is a new stage, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it leads.

I always did like rollercoasters. After I'd been on a few of them, I relaxed, let go, closed my eyes, enjoyed the ride. That's how I want to live.

Here in this moment I have come
To offer up my life
It's all for You
I'm letting go

  • Current Mood: impressed approaching wisdom
  • Current Music: Starfield