newsong (newsong) wrote,

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Lifted Out of the Pit of Despair

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Today was so hard. Today was the pit of despair I ate at 10:30 and then not again until 5. This was a bad idea in the first place, and from the outcome I'm pretty sure my body got basically nothing out of breakfast. (Why do I even eat some days? Lately it just feels like a losing battle. Good news, my weight isn't as bad as I thought, only gained like 7 pounds over last year's low weight, which is negligible. Still 20lbs less than my peak weight, so I'm okay for now. School will soon be over.)

My meeting with my advisors went well and Susan really liked this incarnation of the piece, but I was so worried about the deadline to finish - next week - I crashed and started crying afterwards, in despair at the amount of work to do next week because I'd already pushed myself to the utter limits this week trying to get this project done, and in some measure failing even that. I was in full panic mode, because at the rate that I work I'd have to be in the studio for 20-30 hours next week to finish the stand and the box and I just don't have that energy, or even half of it. It was 4:30 by the time I got out of there, so I picked up my Mom, blubbering and feeling as though I'd reached the seventh level of hell. I had already debated all my options with Bruce - even going for a B.A. instead of a B.F.A. and not having a show at all, or postpoing it and going for yet another semester of school. I was telling Mom how school is literally killing me and it's not worth it anymore.

Mom suggested the obvious. Ask your friends for help, you have a network, use it. So I finally calmed down a bit and called my friend Dave, who works in carpentry. "Don't worry about it. I've got your back." I nearly started to cry again when he said that. What he's going to do for me - probably in a day - would have taken me all week and been terrible and probably not even structurally sound.

So today has been a rollercoaster. But I came out at the end on the flat track, just like on a real rollercoaster. God was there the whole time... And I managed not to start swearing when stuff went wrong today. With great restraint. =)

I had been looking forward to West Coasting tonight, but I was too tired and slept for three hours, and I'm about to go back to bed even now.

Just sending some school business related emails. Too many of them. Tomorrow I spend time with Mark and then go to a wedding and then to a ballroom dance. It's shaping up to be an awesome day, which today was not.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
      They will put their trust in the Lord.

And I will sing, sing a new song
Yes I will

Tags: #life, art, school

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