The following is an entry for therealljidol
Season Four - Week 2 - Entry #3
What Terrifies Me
I am one of the least fearful persons you may meet in your life, by common definition. I don't get stage fright. I have no problem presenting a speech. And I am a thrill-seeker, I can ride a good roller coaster over and over again. In the CN Tower, I walked straight out onto the glass floor and gazed down in awe. I would love to skydive. I think spiders and snakes and bats are really cool. I enjoy crowds. I could probably sleep in a coffin. I am pragmatic about danger and relative danger, but such fears as these are mainly about death, and I am unafraid of death. It does not terrify or intimidate me.
Once I have eliminated fears that are about death, I find that very few things about living will serve me with anxiety either. I am not afraid to die without having accomplished much, because I've tried to do everything already. Just look at my past: I have experienced every sport I am interested in, if some only for moments. Basketball, softball, tennis, racquetball, wrestling, fencing (for 5 minutes at a festival) and others. I have attempted to learn chess and checkers and backgammon, I have played Scrabble against the masterful... and I have learned to play social games and earned people's respect by being a model friend to most people, most of the time. I have a wonderfully exciting life of learning, sociality, and activity.
I am afraid of failure. Failure to obey the rules perfectly, a fundamental defect in my decisions. I agonize over small decisions before I make them, even though I am quick to make large decisions on emotional or logical whim. My conscience jitterbugs around inside me when I go through a yellow light, and does calisthenics if go through it and it turns red. If I get less than an 80% on an assignment in University I either complain that it was unfair if I feel it was, or obsessively go through the percentages to find out how much it cost my ideal mark. The one thing about myself that I would change if I could would be my tendency to quit life. I am having a quit life day today, in fact. I am not at all excited about accomplishing anything. I look around, and I am terrified I'll never get out of this rut of fear and live free.
And then there is the other fear that has shaped me. I am terrified of being abandoned. I have a full-fledged rejection complex. My father did not care, so he left my Mom and I. My grandfather did not care, so he left - and the extent of his uncaring meant that leaving me wasn't even an issue. Many men who have been my guides for life, my father figures, have fallen by the wayside, without much thought for me. One has died unfairly just as I was getting to know him. I have fallen for dozens of boys, and nothing has ever worked out. My heart is so often rejected by men. My friendship is fine, my skills are useful, but my heart isn't what they want. I am terrified that that will always be true. And as long as my body isn't much to offer because I binge eat when I am stressed, and my heart isn't much to offer because it never fully heals, what right do I have to seek out love? If it comes to me, I'll accept it, but otherwise I have really quit searching and decided to make an attempt at contentment. From what I hear, that's the key anyway.
The last fear that's related to both of these is both pragmatic and emotional. I am terrified that I'll never have sex. And it's not just having slept with someone that would mean I fulfilled the goal, although I'm still a virgin. It's having an authentic, loving connection, having a body I'll be proud to share, and not being afraid of failing if and when the time comes. Sex comes with high expectations on both sides. I am terrified that I'll be disappointed by it, that I'll end up with someone incompatible because of my abstinence, that love won't be enough for me if that happens.
I am terrified by the prospect of becoming a statistic of brokenness. But the fact is, I'm looking less like a statistic every day, and that's the kind of encouragement that relieves me of fear and worry. The cracks are healing.
And so when I tell you that I am the most fearless person you'll ever meet, I'm not just talking about me at this moment. I'm telling you who I'm going to be.
Thanks to all of you who voted for me. Stay tuned for voting information over the weekend.