Mortification explained: My friends Mike and Steve were at the dance. I asked Steve to dance once and he said he had to go to the washroom, then I asked a second time much later. "No." I was momentarily puzzled at his tone, then he continued. "Because last time I danced with you, you told everyone I was a horrible dancer." I was horrified. "What?? No I didn't!" Steve merely raised his eyebrows at me. "Then why did everyone come up and tell me, 'So I hear you're a horrible dancer, Twyla says so!'" By now my blood was running cold with shock... "That's... not what I said!" I paused for awhile and thought about the last time I danced with Steve, and the events thereof - notably my frustration because I become a complete klutz dancing with Steve and I really don't know why... I thought over what I may have said and suddenly I remembered a conversation at the IVCF Christmas party. "I said 'I have trouble dancing with Steve' and I meant that it was my fault. I guess maybe it didn't come across that way to people. I am SO sorry that I said something that would be misconstrued like that. I am SO sorry." Steve: "Well I'm not mad." No, no, mad's not the word. Very hurt though. And I think Steve's the greatest, so it made me really sad. What must he think of me? And can I ever change that?
How do you apologize for someone's interpretation of what you said?
I am horrified that someone would go to Steve and announce "I hear you're a horrible dancer." and then attribute that to me. I don't think he's a horrible dancer by any stretch and to see him that hurt... to be honest it kind of ruined my evening to the point where I spent several dances brooding and started finding excuses to go home.
Why is it that I still feel like a horrible person even though I may not have done anything wrong? And why is it that this reminds me terribly of another specific event where something similar happened in the world of apologies. If you don't believe you've caused someone hurt, but yet they've been hurt as a result of something you innocently did or did not do, or something you did that was misunderstood... Obviously you have to treat that person as if you had actually wronged them - because from their perception you did. But it makes me feel like an undeserving wretch. I can't shake the guilt over stuff like this! If this situation comes up twice in a matter of a month, is there something I have to change? I can't answer that, and it hurts.
I have sent Steve an email explaining what must have happened - someone mistook my self-loathing for "Steve sucks at dancing" and then decided it was somehow okay to say that to his face, which probably pisses me off more than anything. Steve's great, and I have no idea how to rectify this. I have no idea whether the email will help or hurt the situation, but at least I did my best to explain it.
All downers aside, however - I had a lovely evening. I felt beautiful. I danced with a lot of intermediate students and did a really good job. I even did a Waltz move I'd never done before almost perfectly just from a good lead. I met a number of really strong dancers and had so much fun. I'm going to do my best to ensure that ballroom has a place in my life over the summer.
The supper was really good - ginger beef and spinach salad and whatnot. They had way too much talking and thanking people and stuff, but the seven routines we got to see were fantastic, and I had a decent seat and taped them all. The one guy, Dean Jones, has been involved with the club for 40 years as of this year! I danced a fantastic Jive with him a couple dances ago. I got to officially meet him and his wife, lovely couple, because I had a really decent recording of their dance together, and since he's a Comp Sci person I figured getting him the file would be easy enough. I also organized a class photo. I'm third from the left, and I LOVE this photo of me =)
Shelley: I have a vague recollection that you told me you and James were in Ballroom now, but I must have forgotten. I was really surprised to see Timothy there. We must all do intermediate together!
It's now nearly 5am and I bet it's going to be light out soon. My eyes are burning from wearing makeup for SO long. It feels like I've been awake TWO days. Time for bed.