Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?
You look for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?
My soul's screaming out
To be firm in You
The IVCF Retreat this weekend was very relaxing. Since I'm time limited here, I'll just list a few of the highlights:
- Me and Jill and Jay lounging about on the pile of mattresses in the corner for two hours in a sleep heap. Jay actually slept.
- Throwing myself in the firm snowpile without regard to impending soakage at the perfect angle to stargaze at the Milky Way
- Our speaker/resident guitarist Conrad performing covers of "C is for Cookie" and other such awesomeness
- A decent percussion band consisting of cutlery, dishes, a recycle bin, and a guitar riff or two. (There is video of this.)
- Song request worship =)
- Driving down with Jay listening to his Motown Classics CD (Two versions of Grapevine and then You Can't Hurry Love by the Supremes, and more)
- Weird innuendo. Don't ask.
- Greatest quote EVER: Aaron tripped over a chair trying to get to his, being an awkward sort of fellow he provides many similar laughs. His response to our laughter: "You don't have to laugh at me every time I do something stupid!" I don't think I laughed harder the whole retreat, and fortunately he immediately realized how funny a statement that was, too. We had a conversation on the way home about how he's lucky, some people try their whole lives to be funny, and he just is automatically ;)
- Quiet times to think and read the Bible in front of the woodstove and in the sunlight patch on the floor... I read through all of Song of Solomon in two different versions.
- Loud times with friends and giant dogpiles of guys, and stuff like that...
- A couple of really awesome hugs =)
- Getting some homework done - I'm almost finished carving the amulet.
I had a weepy moment with my friend Roberta that was born of a lot of my stress lately - and the fact that though a lot of my relationships with girls are stable and loving and amazing, with guys sometimes it's not so hot. The ones I care about leave, the ones I wish were leaving stick around. I'm so familiar with betrayal, and selfish people, and other such crap.
This month is the three year anniversary of my Grandpa leaving my family. Since this is a public post, I won't say much more... We've recovered somewhat. It feels so lonely, so terrible when I think back, when I look back to the words I wrote in my LJ: "I feel abandoned. I feel like the world is torn apart." I am so familiar with betrayal, with loneliness. I spent much of the retreat needing to get away by myself. I look back on that day three years ago and I realize just how much it has affected me. I'm really feeling a lot of my poetry from that time now. When I feel betrayal keenly, and on the behalf of another friend as well. The courage to deal with it is huge.
In a lot of ways, I feel stuck. Oh well. I'm just going to continue living and hope for the best.